Work Related

Chris was getting really tired of listening to the Bear's complaints. He despised his latest office job and he hated all of his co-workers, but the Bear was the worst.

"Nobody cares", muttered Whiny the Boo-Hoo Bear. Chris ignored him.

"Nobody cares", repeated Boo, just a little louder.

One more time, louder still.

Boo looked over at where Christopher Sobbin pretended to be engrossed in an Excel spreadsheet. Chris was trying to make his picks for this week's football pool, but that goddamn fucking bear was distracting the shit out of him.

I never should have taken this job, thought Chris. This place is full of fucked-up people, more than I'm used to- and I'm used to a lot.

"Nobody CARES", went Boo-Hoo, managing to be both pitiful and loud.

"Jesus fucking nailholes!”, exclaimed Christopher, "what the fuck is wrong this time?"

"I forgot my password"

"Again? Dammit...hold on."

Chris wrote something on a post-it note and handed it to the bear.

"Here's your damn password. Don't lose it this time."

"It doesn't work anymore- nothing ever goes right for me”, sighed the insufferable ursine irritant. "Mr. Rabbid said he was gonna fix my computer real good before he left, but it hasn't worked right since he quit."

"Rabbid didn't quit. He got fired. Because you told Mr.Owl about his thing with Cutlet."

Chris wasn't sure what exactly happened between Mr. Rabbid, who was at least 40, and Cutlet, a chubby intern of indeterminate age and gender, but it was ugly enough to get Rabbid fired and Cutlet transferred to Marketing. Chris hoped that by mentioning it, Boo would spill the beans, but the annoying fucker was too wrapped up in his bearish self-pity to engage in gossip.

"Here, Bear. Let me take a look." Chris wheeled his chair over to Whiny's cube. He typed in 'Ctrl+Alt+Delete'. His fingers stuck to the keys as he typed.

"Goddamnit, you fucking chucklehead! There's honey all over your fuckin' keyboard!"

"That's it!", squealed the bear, clapping his sticky paws together. Chris noticed paperclips, cracker crumbs and pen caps stuck in the matted mess of Whiny's fur. The bear-smell was so sourly rotten that it made Sobbin wince.

Just because you shit in the woods doesn't mean that you don't have to wipe your ass, Chris mused.

"That's what?” Chris asked.

"My password! H-U-N-N-Y! Honey!"

Christopher went back to his spreadsheet picks. In his mind he was killing the Bear in a thousand horrible ways.

And they all lived happily ever after.

One Possible Solution

Sorry guys. Even the tube worms must go.

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The alert reader may have noticed that the world is in a terrible state. Even a cursory review of the daily news is enough to trigger any number of latent emotional disorders- these are interesting times indeed.

Not good, just interesting.

Fascinating , disturbing and depressing.

Interesting.

I think that we should wait until the next giant meteor or Gamma Ray Burst wipes out all the life on Earth;but until that happens we should try not to destroy the planet , ourselves and each other- but noo....it's all war, bombs, disaster, human-on-human boomin', all the damn time. Mindless incomprehension would be fighting words, except no one understands the big words anymore , just the fighting caused by tiny minds using small words

So, if the powers that be must destroy the world, please let them make it as quick and painless as possible, because the idea of a long, drawn-out East-West WWIII followed by Apocalypse- ( natural, man-made or divine) - depresses the hell out of me.

I have a better plan.

Instead of an East vs. West conflict based on religious insanity, why not just shift the war to North vs. South and base it in on some other sort of insanity- one not involving religion- let's base our doomsday on equatorial physics. Thermonuclear equatorial physics, to be precise. That can be plenty insane in the right hands.

I'm sure you have heard how water in a swirling drain will circle in one direction in the Northern Hemisphere and in the opposite direction in the Southern- this makes everyone who lives South of the equator different from everyone who lives to the North of said dividing line.

Clockwise or counter-clockwise flushing? Well?

Certainly that is an irreconcilable difference worth dying for.

Why not fight about it? It makes as much sense as killing in the name of god who ostensibly endorses peace.

To really hasten the Eschaton, we can take all the nuclear weapons on the planet and divide them between North and South.

The bombs will then be moved to their respective owner's Pole , buried in the ice caps and detonated.

This should cover the planet with a roiling cloud of radioactive steam- and generate two enormous waves- one heading North and one heading South. If timed precisely, these waves can meet at the equator and finish WWIII forever.

The only witnesses might be a handful of astronauts.

Imagine watching the world go BOOM! from outer space.

You'd probably be too busy fighting with the guy from the Other Side over the last oxygen tank to notice that nobody won the last war.

Clockwise or counter-clockwise. You decide, we'll homicide.

.

(satire!)